Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20130216-1301c.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week I'm in a studio in London with Mr. Tom Wrigglesworth.

I'm feeling a little delicate, ladies and gentlemen. I do apologize. I / consumption / not clever. I shouldn't have done it. / What happened? / What happened? I, ... I had one too many as / live to regret it. I'm regretting today / tender / in any way to condone. / alcholol consumption whatsoever why I did it. / What's the one? What's the unit of this? / well, the one ... glass of red wine / I went out with, uh, Greg Davis. / Oh yeah. / You know, / between / coo coo and stand up, uh, / And ... We had a couple of drinks. And, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, ... and this is why you shouldn't do it, kids, because, today, I'm feeling rough. I don't feel well. If I'm honest, I feel crying. / How did you wake up this morning? / I woke up this morning earlier than I wanted to because of a headache, ... what we call a hangover. And, uh... the only thing I can do when I'm hungover is going the bath. I think it's like a womb. It's like a womb. / A foam bath? / At 9 o'clock this morning. / I never / foam bath. And / it's all I can do when I'm hungover. I just have to get into a foam bath. And it's / womb. It is the womb. I just lie there / I was almost crying. / 6 pm is the earliest I ever / into a foam bath / six in the evening / You never had a bath in the morning? / Never. / I feel a feature coming on / what / earliest / great feature. "What time is the earliest time you've ever had a bath?" Well, you've never had a bath in the morning? / no / shower.

I would, normally, but / hangover / You've gotta run it. / Yeah, you've got to run it, yeah. /
I mean / persuade somebody else to... It's not much of work, really, involves putting in a plug / taps on / a bit of / temperature right. / better / if that's too much trouble. / Yeah but bath without bubble / bath without bubble / bath / Yeah. I like the bleakness. / Really? / I quite like the bleakness, yeah. Something bed-sit about it. / Yeah, ha ha ha. Just basically a pond, isn't it? / I do quite like ...  I genuinely do quite like the bleakness of a foamless bath. / So, ideally would you uh ... first of all ... / I'll tell you, it's not the cheery Saturday morning stuff we are looking for, three minutes in, "I do like the bleakness of a foamless bath.  /

You've got the newspaper spread / in front of you, spread across the desk. Tom, so anything  / catching your eye from today's / make it topical / topical show. / All right, yeah. Well, uh, I was quite tickled by the story about the guard rabbit. A burglar / I've seen the guard rabbit story. / It's quite interesting actually. / Was it? What / sort of / family pet. / How is he? ... professional-looking / No, no, no. / at the supermarket / tough economic times ... university graduates / I don't think rabbits __ __ sworn into / They shouldn't be giving jobs to rabbits. Probably / jobs / people those / Exactly / love those jobs ... supermarket / plenty of people / fought for their own career, / Right / It's massive, this thing. / Really? How big is it? / "Massive" is the only word / Is that the way they describe it, is it? / Oh. It's nearly two-foot long, ten inches / I thought / two-foot tall. ... That is a big rabbit. / Yeah / what's wrong in / rabbit / I think it's quite simple. / It is, isn't it? / two-foot long is huge. / Two-foot long is .... Oh, that's a big rabbit. Don't get me wrong. / that is a big rabbit / Bigger than a cat. / Actually, that's, uh ... yeah, my rabbit was a foot ...  / remember / it was thirty years ago ... he's about a foot long / twice the size of my rabbit / Not much use / they lack of essential knowledge of how my rabbit / Imagine normal rabbit, everyone. / Double it. / Yeah. / That's what we are talking about. But two-foot tall rabbit is a very different proposition. / Yeah, it is. This / which / huge. / Ten inches tall? / Yeah. I mean, I presume that /

Is that / could be / couldn't it? / because ears / back / Yeah. Exactly. But I suppose he is / comes to a point, really, where / grow up, giving illusion of height, but, at one point, would collapse back on ... / I know what you are saying. I know what you are sayig. For a while rabbits get taller ... / Yeah, yeah. / And then all of a sudden, ... ears can't sustain their own weight, / yeah / collapse / rabbit gets shorter / Not unlike human beings / shorter / same problem. / Yeah but that's / vertebrae, the spine / if a two-foot long rabbit walked in here now, a two-foot long rabbit walked in here now, I'd go, "Huh / rabbit's quite rangy / wouldn't you / suspect / two-foot tall rabbit walked in here now / a corner. / tucked away / And don't forget I'm very hungover. A two-foot tall rabbit walks in here now, I wouldn't trust my own instinct / have you ever / I wouldn't be trusting my own imagination. / Have you ever been in a same room with someone who is, like, __ly scared of mice? / No. / and / mouse / sort of cartoons / jump on a chase. / my wife
irrational fear about butterflies. Anything that flies. Uh... / She... Really? Anything that flies? / She got ... quite interesting actually. When ... we sat in garden on a summer's afternoon, you know / we've all had a bath. It's three pm. / and a ... and a butterfly just meandered past. / yeah / and she interestingly gets into such a flap. Physically a flap. / Really? / almost takes off herself / what sort of / __ she do? / She screamed of course. She / hit / real hard / only girls in fear or children / you seem to be / don't know / says about / there is / And squeals / properly / ... butterfly comes along? / Yeah. It covers ...self / What about a bird? / same / Is it worse? Bigger. It must be worse with a bird / fly, for example / I suppose / not really want to talk / That's not irrational. Every one is a bit scared of / they are just nasty, aren't they? / they are nasty. / And apparently ... / I am sure there's people out there for the ethical treatment of wasps, / people campaigning, ... I don't know. / some sort of club of wasp lovers. / I reckon there probably is. There are / people who would ... who would ... you know / I heard that, I don't / but wasp, you could ... because ... bumble bee, right, is absolutely vital for, for / vital / part of / ... oldest things on earth / oldest things on earth, and ... and / your food / comes / not from bumble bees but / indirectly / Indirectly. They help out ... they are good thing. But wasps, I don't think / true / someone could maybe confirm, but / you could take them out / Apparently you could take them out of the ... eh ... / no / kind of ... / Ecosystem. / Ecosystem, yeah. / nil net effect / no net effect / moving wasps from the ecosystem? / Yeah. That's what I /
Ladies and gentlemen there are two features going on today. One is / struggling for features a bit, I'll be honest with you. But this one, "Could you take wasps out of the ecosystem with no net effect?" / Yeah / Fascinating that is, Tom. I'm almost more interested in that / bath / have you ever had a rabbit bigger than two-foot? Here we are.

We've got two features on the go: What's the earliest / bath / if I can't / have to get in a bath / womb / That was brought on by me having a bath this morning / like a womb / it is / heartbeat / I know. You suggested that earlier. I should play a little heartbeat in it. It might be nice. / Put a hose pipe / You shouldn't do this. You shouldn't drink in the first place. It's bad for you / in the first place / bad for you / ... with the body telling you "No!" / With your brain expanding / With your brain expanding and your body saying "No!" and everything. All I can do is getting in a bath. And anyway, the second feature is ... It's different, it's different. It's "Can you take wasps out of ecosystem / I can't think of, like, what / birds eat them, do they? / The birds eat wasps? / I don't know. / Who's the wasps' predator, apart from glasses of coke?

Yeah, yeah. / uh / of / take a break. / Apart from ... / what is it that / predator? / Bees must ... musn't they? / Do you reckon? / because of their resemblance to wasps. Wasps are like, sort of uh ... ... should get done for impersonating bees already. / They do give bees a bit of a bad name. / off / some / just by looking a bit similar / I vote
ecosystem. This will wind them up / this'll get / whatever it is.
did you know wasps / safety of / Yeah, oh yeah. Whatever it is. Yeah. Wetter, or whatever they call
wetter, or whatever / Welsh assembly of Wospu. / they / all / get in touch / was / shocked / right /
I discovered recently that David Attenborough is not a vegitarian. / Oh, god, I was wondering / ... gonna say that ... look, the nation isn't ready for your revelation about David Attenborough, right, he's a ... / ready / he's untouchable / of course he is. I know he is. ... his admirer / I was a little bit shocked / glad you / such an unshocking sentence that David Attenborough ... Hang on, No.
not him, not him. / He's not a vegitarian. Phew. Oh, is that all? Is that all? Nation braced itself when / eight of them listening / I was / braced themselves. In four or five houses around the land, people braced themselves then / listening, brace themselves
not a vegitalian / But, was he ...

OK. Let me grill you on this. Is he supposed to be a vegiarian? / Well, I just thought, you know, / Did he tell you he is a vegitarian
/ no / wikipedia page / opposite
He has come out and said he eats meat / Yeah. And / He's finally admitted it, finally had the guts to ... come out / I just thought, you know, a man displays so much love and compassion for the natural world / display
natural world would be a vegitarian. That would make sense / Yeah / surprised me / made / assumption of Attenborough / rushed in, definitely. / Yeah, yeah, of course

you cook it / not
napkins, obviously. / But if you think about it, a lot of Attenboroough's programs, they are, kind of, they are almost fetish eyes / animals fighting

I'm not taking him out. I'm just ... / coming to the realization that if his program is all about animals fighting in ... part of it, then, of course he just __ in / imagining / may well / carnivalousness as a natural part in the natural world. / I think it does. So, / Exactly / I think it does. So actually, I've actually completely U-turned and now think / actually, completely surprising
would be more surprising / was a vegetarian.

Right. God, you / in a monologue ... on the whole Attenborough-vegitable, meat-eating situation, haven't you? / So wait a minute. So finally, so you must / learned / vegetarian, that shocked you / grief
you've realized not only you are not shocked by that fact, but / probably
would've been ... Now I guess you are waiting / in front of

come out and / vegitarian
shocked over again. / pescitarian, just eating fish / something like that
probably land in the middle / What did he say then? Why is he saying anything about it? / I don't think / googled the situation, right, because / Situation! The whole Attenborough vegitable fiasco. What did you put in? What did you put in Google? / Massacre? What did you put in Google? / dinner table. We were watching Attemborough, and he was talking to some hippoppotamus. And / I think it's Sir David Attenborough. / you can't say we were "watching Attenborough". / was talking to hippoppotamus. And it was quite ... it was beautiful, using rudimentary communication techniques such as  / hippo as well actually / the hippo was playing along. / just fine. And ... / you could see in his eyes, you know, every atom of his body loves being amongst animals. And it's really touching to watch, you know. I mean ... / Ironic, then, that / goes / you never saw / hang on. Just / hand sandwitches out. You never saw him reach out and get / sandwitch box / tuck in / Sorry about this, mate. ... man's gotta eat. Yeah, you think I, ... Do you know? I'm shocked now he's not a vegitarian / realize that / wait till / whole / process / you've just been thrown out
only eats bananas now. / tatally / the other day / I'm not ready for / This is too much. / This blew my mind. / My mind's already blown. / Apparently, we / this is too much / Apparently we eat bananas the wrong way.

you and David A__? / everybody
if you peel a bannana, you normally peel it from, you hold it, don't you ... break that bit that it grows from / snap the top / stalk. I suppose I / describe / Listen, ladies and gentlemen. If you have just joined us, you / study / peel / banana / stop, stop right now, and consider what primates do which apparently turn the banana upside down, holding it by the stalk / describe as the ring-pull, is the stalk
obviously / connected to the plant. That's the bit that

snap off / if you hold it by that, which monkeys do / hold it upside down

the way we do / squeeze the

jungle book, mate. It's not real nature. / I wore a linen / you know / waist / Did you ever have a coconut hat on / A sort of brassier

coconut brassier / Did he / back on a tree ... I don't believe you could squeeze the bottom of a banana
/ pop out / squeeze / one go

I'm not saying ... cartoon / sort of, grab the / which is a seed / if / plant / and you gently give a bit of a squeeze, you / apparently / I don't believe this. / No. / comes off with a peel ... really good for you, but it stays on the, uh, / we are just peeling it a wrong way. ... no other way ... describing it. Yeah. Try it. Next time / __ation / So, you are suggesting you hold the banana upside-down
stalky / normally snap, you hold that? / squeeze the bottom

You know? Squeeze it. / waiting game that you are talking about? / you just hold it and wait for it to flop? / what happens / bottom / like an ice cream. / Yeah. / record ... Ladies and gentlemen. / The top is now the seed, right? / I think it's important to clear this up. / You gently pinch that. I wouldn't
as you would before, but you ...
What's the difference? / peel / upside down, aren't you? / This is a non-story, mate. / It's a ... this is a non-event, this story. / Well, I can only... / Can't you ... / the best way, squeeze the bottom, open up, open your mouth / way back / Yeah. Picture that.

 

If you've just joined us, ... __ __ __. / Well, I learned the other day, everything we know about peeling bananas ... / Everything. / ... is essentially incorrect. We have been, it seems, at odds with the correct way of peeling bananas because monkeys turn them the other way around. / I'm not sure. The monkeys are ... the ... / we should be copying / you said during the break
/ wrong / since time thingy, people have been peeling bananas wrong. And I laughed, and you went "It's true. It's what monkeys ... / but / car / driving wrong for hundred years. / that's a ridiculous __ of arguement

It's not.

It is because I never said ...
Let's give a monkey, right, some formal attire like .../ let's watch him put it on / maybe we have been wearing it wrong. / turns out / trousers are actually a jacket.

Trousers
advertized in the newspaper
one thing ... one thing / unbelievable. You can __ waist / polyester. They don't crease. They are available in a huge palette of colors. You've got a ... pocket ... 1999, but waistsize goes up to 64 inches / it's not / waist size / 64 inches.
not him. I'm half that. I could get a pair

into
this is basically two sleeping bags for me, it is.

It is

28

32

Are you a 32 waist?

Yeah. There is nothing of you / Now listen. / All right. / Back to bananas, right? Not interested in those polyester and slim line tux ... Tom reckons we've been peeling bananas wrong because, ... where did you get this from? / I can't remember last I saw it, but monkeys do it the other way, and, it turns out that we are completely at odds with it all
I'll tell what. Actually, I found myself at odds with the entire universe the other day. Did I tell you about that? / completely odds with entire universe. / (19:20) Yeah. I was in Humburg. And I tried to catch a plane home at 9 o'clock in the evening. I missed it. I missed the plane. / You are pretty disorganized. / It wasn't my fault. It was a very confusing German underground train system, which .... It is a long story, but, I missed the flight, right, and, if you've ever missed a plane / most sinking feeling you can possibly imagine. In fact, the amount of sinking feeling you get when you miss the plane is exactly proportional to the height / you would have / I see what you mean .... it makes sense. / Yeah. I think it is, uh, sort of Karma-like, uh...
Yeah. Energy doesn't go away ...

No, it changes.

never dissappears / No / excitement and energy you had / you are suddenly
in despair / feet / below / below neutral

Well, that's
frame of mind. When I was in Humburg airport / surely there was another plane in an hour later

somewhat diminishes the ... / No, not at all / last plane / sinking feeling / Oh, it was horrible. Anyway, I, uh ... well,

you don't

in the UK, but
You know those escalators where they are off until you walk up into / walk up
it was really strange. but what you ... normally when / sort of / pass of people, it doesn't really become an issue, but I was on me own and no one was there, / and there were two escalators, and they have / noticed / until next morning / what happens

there was a light, a pillar, by each escalator that says / red / green / light, and red means "Don't go on this because it is meant to for the other way", you know, I'm / green / obviously / go ahead

switch on when / can't tell because it is not moving. / not moving / So I boarded on the wrong escalator, 'cause I was 30,000 feet below hapiness. / You were, I would have thought, yeah.

So, first you missed the plane / first, yeah, and then / now you go the wrong way up the escalator

dealing with a broken escalator at this point. / OK. / well, I ... harder than normal stairs / and I'm trudging up this, uh,
feeling, trudging up
I've already said it. Harder than normal stairs.
now
station escalator when a security guard ... shouting at me in German. /  All right.
I can't understand him
He stands at the top of the escalator, triggering the escalator in a downward direction / What? / In the opposite way? / Yeah / no / I'm literally going nowhere now.

Why did he do that? / Because he was... I don't know ... realize

triggered it

he came over
deliberately triggered it. / maybe / did

you know, it was ... the whole airport was closing down

you couldn't

towering
accidentally trigger the mechanism.

Yeah
learn
missed a flight, have you? / Deal with this! / Deal with this as well! / treadmill
bucket of bananas.
So I wondered if you ever have felt that sort of ... "complete at odds with the universe" feeling, / where / I am so wrong here?" / No.(22:37)

I'm here in, uh, / Broadcasting House in London with Mr. Tom Wrigglesworth. We have been discussing a prethora of fascinating subjects. For example, are wasps .... can you take wasps out of ecosystem, with having no net effect?

 / bananas / surely

I'm still curious

the ecosystem's you know

kind of balance / into a fuss when it goes out

So I would suggest that wasps have a place, but, / They must eat stuff, / Yeah. / and something, apart from us, must eat them. I mean, not apart from us / My cat eats them. / Just right time to confess that I eat wasp. .../ never / I've accidentally swallowed a wasp but I wouldn't call it part of my diet. / A live one? / Uh, do you know what? That was.... I completely made that up. / lied / under interrogation / crack / Absolute lie.

What
when I was a child. / Did you? / Yeah
Properly, properly savaged.

Like ... like those photos ... whatever .... you
gonna say / world record for the longest bee beard.

Well ... / at least just savaged me. / How ...? / They didn't decide to do any formation
Hello everyone, let's do / beard

organized / Hello everyone, / organize / moustache. Joe,
Uh, ... number three, glasses! / No, they didn't form themselves into a beard or commedy-spectacle or anything. They just savaged me. / just / wasps / I was in a hedge.

All right.
All good stories start with "I was in a hedge". / how old were you? / so I was in this hedge

I was of an age when
being / perfectly normal place to be. I
I would have expected it to be
years / I haven't been drinking. I was young enough to when being in a hedge was an absolutely normal start __ __ sentence / I was in a hedge / ? / No, a hedge in a field. You
stone walls. / That's true. / But we separate our fields in Wales slightly more sophisticated. / hedge rows

All right.

I don't know
I would argue that

Probably not.

They are
build a dry stone wall / How / bothered / district / North Yorkshire
I just think who would be bothered to build a dry stone wall? I couldn't be bothered. Honestly. If you look at the amount of

panel fence you get from
I would have put 

garden / good 16-foot panel / for 8.99
Why would you bother / every time / dry stone wall, I think

couldn't be bothered, honestly.
They are boundaries.
I know what they are for. / But / I couldn't be bothered to build a dry stone wall

credit myself it wasn't me __ed over a pile of rubble

It wasn't me
3D jigzaw

People of your elk / your like and your ancestors / I'm beaming with pride right now.
you should be beaming
in this hedge / up and / woods / Yeah / was in the middle of nice
unless you were there while they were
built / dry stone wall around you / never happened / guess
anecdote was wasp-based, so
there's nothing left / So I was in this hedge. That's it. Let's play a track / I was in this hedge, and I was walking along in a hedge / I don't know. I don't know. It was, it was a / It wasn't / Hang on a minute, you were in a hedge-maze. / No, I wasn't in a hedge-maze. I was in ... at the side of a road. They can be like a sort of hedge-cum with
trees in it / and stuff as well / neat little
big hedge row / able, as a child, be walking through it really.

You mean quite a, ... in terms of
I would describe it as a dense strip
of hedge row and trees / chicken

Not maniqured in any way. I was in the middle of a hedge peacock. / OK. I can picture you now. A small, young lad ... / small lad / fresh out of bath / Leading. I was leading a group. Leading a small group of children. / Oh. / I was a child myself. I should point out.
you've been elected / I'm not sure I've been elected
/ process / at the front of three or four children, walking through a hedge, when ... and this is a bit / blurred, I can't quite remember. Then next thing I knew, I was being savaged by hundreds of wasps. I was dragged out of our hedge by my young collegues. ... Roger, my friend at the time, he grabbed my coat, and he was beating my coat against the wall to beat the wasps out of it

brother / rushed / got me in a bath. My mother
bath in the afternoon ... they got me into the bath. My mother / showering wasps out of my hair / bodies of wasps floated everywhere. I could say that I got 50 bites. Stings. / Did you? / I can't remember. / after I asked my parents. But I certainly had tens of stings. My sister got one on her hand. / Was she part of the party / swollen up like a basketball. And they said if it had been the other way around, she could have died. / whe was allergic / some kind of / allergic reaction, whereas I
tens of stings, all over my body, savaged. "Nothing. I'm fine." / Do you know what? I'm not scared of wasps now / traumatized / similar thing.

I don't like them. Don't get me wrong. / I was involved again ...  lads in a contryside __ situation. We were on two bikes, and we were racing down a hill. And we were at the lead

hill / lead ... we drove over a wasp nest
we just went through a wasp nest. Imagine that.
Did they come after you? I mean, presumably / gone straight past, and ... / No, no, we fell off
cloud of angry wasps, like

seen in cartoons / form / into an arrow and chases, but it ... almost, you know, all of us got stung countless times / stand by me / one of

quite traumatized, pushing our, pushing our bike aside, / wasp inside our cloths. 

Look. It's old news, Tom's banana thing. ... this is something from America / I told / for years / from a monkey / chinpanzee in Chester__ zoo / in the US, many kindergarten teachers teach kids to peel bananas by pinching the bottom of the banana / in an attempt to save time
lunch etc. / much easier way / supposedly / probably / a period of readjustment / years / There is a period of readjustment, Rachel, apparently. So ... Rhod, it's a banana revelation." Calvin, __ vegetarian / a treat. Here you go. ... Hey, so, one happy customer there. ... and ... rest of it is , uh ... What time / bath / sort of lost interest in that.
my hangover is clearing. I / only thing I can do when / like a womb to me. / bath / Exactly. ... I can't level with that idea bacause bath is a relaxing affair, it's for the evening / in the morning
lively smell / mint

Talking about lively smell of mint, let me tell you my mouthwash story. / exactly / too hungover to use my / I looked at the mouthwash, and / I thought. I can't face it. I am too hungover for mouthwash. That's what I felt / this morning / Don't do it, kids / highly unrecommended / has it got alcholol in it? / I looked at it, and I thought I can't do it.

Did you even... / The other day, / Huh, / however, I had a bit of a traumatic experience ... mouthwash ... absolutely true, right? The other day, I ... I quite often / do several things at once. For example / I put a sock on / make toast while putting a belt on. That kind of things. I quite often try to do / things / Yeah. / I quite often / you know, I / teeth and put my shoes / that kind of stuff. / Yeah. / The other day I ... have cleaned my teeth, and / just leave the house / use / mouthwash / and then I left the house, having not spat out the mouthwash. / Ha ha ha. / I left the house, I left the flat in Central London ... / Swilling ... ? / ... with a mouth full of mouth wash / that / sound / But then I was / I went out of the building and I thought, "Oh, / which is now starting to burn. / Yeah. / But I can't ... I can't just ... / I can't just spew it out / Swallow? / liters ... fit / mouth / Probably about three hundred centiliters of mouthwash in my mouth / Be a mouthful. / full. So, I can't just spit on to the street .... and I came out onto the main road. Now I was thinking right. I was / find a bin / to pretend that I'm ill, so I'll have to / pretend / I'm ill / looking for / I couldn't find a bin. So, as ... walking down the street, very busy street / I can't spew this mouthwash onto the street / panic about breathing by now / agony, the burning, the mouth full of / burning, burning / in three or four minutes now / which is / recommend / maybe five minutes. Five minutes later, I still hadn't found anywhere to / ten minutes ... talking ten minutes / I had also had my photograph taken and signed an autograph. / Ha ha ha. / Tried to explain / mouthful, mouthful ..." I signed the thing and had my photo taken with somebody ... God knows / and, in the end, in the end, I had to lean over a wall into a kind of a garden thing, and spew it into a bush. / good / child walking through that hedge.

If you enjoyed that, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.